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The Christian Harry Potter Fanfic

CrazyLee

Biggest buttplug ever
Recently on my FB feed, normally filled with endless pages of stupid kitten videos and image memes and stuff like that, I found something good. The evangelical version of Harry Potter, posted to Fanfiction.net by a "good Christian Housewife".

http://jezebel.com/moms-evangelical-christian-rewrite-of-harry-potter-cann-1638274209

I decided to skim through some of this story and share the more amusing parts.

"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup.
"What do you want?" Aunt Petunia peered out the door with her narrow, suspicious eyes; and she was wearing a baggy, unflattering pantsuit.
Career woman, never wears makeup, pantsuit. Hillary??


On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.
All the Christian males in this story have a ton of chest hair, it's stupid.

"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.
Red plaid shirt, blue jeans, boots, belt, cowboy hat. And apparently everyone who's a good Christian in this story is not only hairier than Chewbacca, but also a texas cowboy.

Hagrid laughed wisely. "Evolution is a fairytale. You don't really believe that, do you?"
"Yes, I do!" Aunt Petunia screeched.
"Well then prove it!"
Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn't even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!
May I point out that "Hagrid" the hairy cowboy hasn't proven anything either. But Harry just goes with it because it sounds more right or better?

"Birthdays are not of God," Harry verbalized knowingly; and looked at his aunt with an innocent wisdom. "You tried to corrupt me; but it did not work. But I forgive you, Aunt Petunia; because of Luke 23:34."
Birthdays... are not of God? Wat?! Oh, it gets better....
(also, Luke 23:34 is where Jesus says "Forgive them for they know not what they do" referring to those crucifying him).

"Hello, there, little one," the man greeted amicably. "I am the Reverend Albus Dumbledore, and this is my wife, Minerva. Welcome to Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles!"
"Pleased to meet you, Reverend Dumbledore," Harry replied enthusiastically; and got to his feet. "This sure is a beautiful place you have here!"
The Reverend beamed. "Why thank you, little one!" His voice had a distinctive southern twang to it that made Harry feel so safe and welcome. He knew in that moment that the Reverend was a man of God.
Southern Twang.....

"He sure is," the reverend's wife chuckled, before getting down to her knees and raising her own hands upwards. "Dear Lord, please set the table with the sky-blue cloth and the Sunday dishes, and please give us biscuits fried golden brown and gravy, creamy mashed potatoes, my great aunt Eleanor's corn casserole, corn on the cob slathered with butter, and for dessert, some chocolate raspberry cookies."
All of these things appeared on the table exactly as the reverend's wife had asked for them, masterfully prepared and delicious-smelling.
Because God has nothing more important to do than do everything for lazy people.

But what about Voldemort?
"My father says that dark times are coming," Hermione spoke worriedly. "There is a man named Voldemort who wants to destroy all that we stand for. He is pushing an agenda in congress which will stop us from practicing our faith freely."
"But that is what our founding fathers built this nation for!" Harry cried indignantly. "The freedom of religion!"
Oh shit, Voldemort is Obama! Run!


But the best part is when the author explains the different houses of the school:
"Oh, I will definitely choose Slytherin," Ronald declared confidently; and he began to eat his oatmeal with his hands. "My whole family is Slytherins." He gestured to the countless redheads sitting at the table; and they all turned to Harry and smiled and waved. "You should become a Slytherin, too! We could do it together!"

"But wait-that is not all!" Ronald continued excitedly; and washed his oatmeal down with milk. "Gryffindor Hats believe in the Bible, too. But Slytherins have even more. We have a book full of guidelines on how to be a good person, and a whole panel of Slytherin Hats to tell us what to do."

"What about Mary?" Ronald posited angrily around a mouthful of oatmeal. "You have to at least worship to her!"
So, all Slytherin are Catholic, redhead, and Irish. And when did Ron become one of them?

"Hufflepuff Hats believe in the Bible; but only some of it," Luna explained casually; and she was still feeding on that stuff. "We don't believe in the stuff against fornication and drinking and socialism; but we really like Matthew 7:1; and that's about it. We're really fun and we seem really nice and really tolerant as long as you agree with us!"
And Hufflepuffs are all, what, liberal christians? Unitarians?

"Please, ignore this fool," Draco drawled smugly. "Luna here thinks she can have a career even though she's a woman; and women are stupid."Harry gaped at this horrible person. What a mean thing to say!
"Women shouldn't not have careers because women are stupid!" Harry shouted indignantly. "Women are not stupid at all! Women should not have careers because women are nurturing and loving and their gifts serve them best in the home!"
And I have no idea about Draco (and why he's in Ravenclaw) but apparently women should all stay in the kitchen and make sandwiches.


I have a distinct feeling this entire thing is a troll.
Sadly, many of the news networks, who wouldn't know how to actually report the facts if it killed them, have treated it as if it's real.
Snopes is undecided.
 

RedSavage1

DefunctDupAccount
Doesn't matter if it was a troll or not.

What the real issue here is that a FanFiction make the fucking news.
 

Butters Shikkon

Patron Saint of Queers

Torrijos-sama

The Artist Formerly Known as Jesusfish
It is good if this makes the news.

Then it is another example of idiocy that will be spread by the media with the word "Christian" attached to it.
 

GarthTheWereWolf

Captious Lycanthrope of Forum Legend
But now everyone knows where to find Jesus. C: He was hiding at Hogwarts all along!
 
Its a really funny and surprisingly well-written fic as far as grammar is concerned at least; I highly doubt it was written by a "good Christian housewife". Besides, what would one be doing on Fanfic.net in the first place? To try to show the smut-mongers the error of their ways? Hell, she should give the furry community a call in his/her next piece.
 

Butters Shikkon

Patron Saint of Queers
But now everyone knows where to find Jesus. C: He was hiding at Hogwarts all along!

Which is a really good hiding place because that's the last place the book burners would have thought to look.

Bet he wins Hide and Go Seek all the time.
 

Mr. Sparta

Scale Face
YER A CHRISTIAN, M'HARRY! (tips cowboy hat)

I should show this to my first girlfriend...
 

KyryK

Well...you tried
Banned

On the porch was standing a huge, muscular man with a big, manly beard; and he was dressed in a plaid, red shirt, blue jeans, and sturdy, leather boots. His chest was covered in a thick, unruly carpet of coarse, brown hair.


All the Christian males in this story have a ton of chest hair, it's stupid.


"Hello, neighbor! I was wondering if you have been saved," Hagrid exclaimed brightly; and tipped his wide-brimmed, straw cowboy hat.



Red plaid shirt, blue jeans, boots, belt, cowboy hat. And apparently everyone who's a good Christian in this story is not only hairier than Chewbacca, but also a texas cowboy.
This is just begging for some Rule 34.
 

RedSavage1

DefunctDupAccount
The sexual repression and urge to be controlled is rampant in this story.

Kind of reminds me of Twilight. The author was/is Morman, I believe? And then what do we have in Twilight: A woman who makes utterly no decisions for herself, and is rescued and controlled at every point in her life by a strong, handsome, cold man who "has a really good side" to his terrible side. Basically the story tells young girls, "Find a man! He'll make all your decisions for you. Even the hard ones like choosing between him and another man and defending yourself at every possible point. And the happy ending is--get married! Get pregnant! Play protector over the family. Happily ever after."

And I mean, if you look at the werewolf arc (and werewolf romances in general).
Woman constantly tried to please angry, always on the edge of violence man who is to be loved because he has a really good side, honestly! Despite previous outbursts and acts of violence.

Uhh. Sound familiar?
It's almost a straight metaphor for an emotionally trapped woman's defense of an abusive boyfriend/husband.



... Don't know why that tangent occurred to me.
Carry on.
 

Skeppio

New Member
Its a really funny and surprisingly well-written fic as far as grammar is concerned at least; I highly doubt it was written by a "good Christian housewife". Besides, what would one be doing on Fanfic.net in the first place? To try to show the smut-mongers the error of their ways? Hell, she should give the furry community a call in his/her next piece.

Furry Potter? I have a feeling it's been done...
 

DrDingo

Moved to phoenix.corvidae.org with the others
"Answer the door, Harry!" his Aunt Petunia, a career woman, barked from her armchair where she sat with her feet up. She had short, curly blonde hair and never wore any makeup."

That's right, kids! Any woman who doesn't wear make-up ought to be ashamed of themselves!
A true, honest Christian woman should never be content with what she looks like; after all, it's a woman's job to make herself look attractive to her life partner!
 

Machine

Shrieking Possum Queen
I consider this propaganda in the guise of writing.

Filthy muggles and their Jesus fetish.
 

Fernin

6150 rpm and spinning.
Furry Potter? I have a feeling it's been done...

I must confess to reading furry based Harry Potter fanfic, though all were simply set in the universe, none furrized the original cast. One or two were, dare I say, quite good.
 
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