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The first chapter of my gay romance story

Togo57

Member
Good choice in starting with the fight scene!

Looks like the start of a good series. Ironically, I liked Darius way more than Larex even though he had less time as a narrator :).

However, you might want to take the following into consideration:
  • Since the story is narrated in first-person POV, putting quotes around thoughts is not necessary. We already know that they are thinking and what they're thinking. Besides, it could confuse the reader even if you're using italics instead of bold text as you do for dialogue.
  • Remember to always put a space after a comma, period, semicolon, or colon. Also, you might want to study more how to use commas, especially when it comes to dependent clauses (this could help).
  • Try to have only one character's actions/thought per paragraph. For example, I doubt the countown at the beginning was being done by Darius yet it was a dialogue in a paragraph about his thought process. This is mostly because those kinds of sentences can be easily misinterpreted, like in this one: "Is this what you wanted to show me Jazins",as I spoke he nodded and pointed towards the window. Did Jazin start nodding and pointing before Larex was finished asking his question? Also, question mark missing.
Maybe you should try re-reading it a few more times before posting. That would also help you catch stuff like misused words (an vs and, a vixen who is a he), missing apostrophes, plot inconsistencies (how come Larex does not recognize Darius when the latter has been a three-year champion in the same school he's attending? A legend, according to Jazin), and such.
 

GrimnCoyote

Maniacally Smiling Canine
Good choice in starting with the fight scene!

Looks like the start of a good series. Ironically, I liked Darius way more than Larex even though he had less time as a narrator :).

However, you might want to take the following into consideration:
  • Since the story is narrated in first-person POV, putting quotes around thoughts is not necessary. We already know that they are thinking and what they're thinking. Besides, it could confuse the reader even if you're using italics instead of bold text as you do for dialogue.
  • Remember to always put a space after a comma, period, semicolon, or colon. Also, you might want to study more how to use commas, especially when it comes to dependent clauses (this could help).
  • Try to have only one character's actions/thought per paragraph. For example, I doubt the countown at the beginning was being done by Darius yet it was a dialogue in a paragraph about his thought process. This is mostly because those kinds of sentences can be easily misinterpreted, like in this one: "Is this what you wanted to show me Jazins",as I spoke he nodded and pointed towards the window. Did Jazin start nodding and pointing before Larex was finished asking his question? Also, question mark missing.
Maybe you should try re-reading it a few more times before posting. That would also help you catch stuff like misused words (an vs and, a vixen who is a he), missing apostrophes, plot inconsistencies (how come Larex does not recognize Darius when the latter has been a three-year champion in the same school he's attending? A legend, according to Jazin), and such.

Thank you for your critque your thoughts on my work will really help me out.
 
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