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(vent) Mental Illness is exhausting.

stellatae

Member
Hi everyone, before I get into it I wanted to put some trigger warnings just in case. Additionally, I read the forum rules, but if I missed one or just messed up, please let me know!

tw: depression, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, cancer, tumour, chronic illness.


I'm not the best at wording things, and my thoughts tend to be chaotic, but I'm going to try my best. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling a lot but if I were to try I'd say tired. I have been diagnosed with general & social anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and Severe depression and I'm working with my doctor on other matters. I know they affect my daily life and I truly try and do my best considering. I really just need to write it all down and I don't know maybe it'll help.

Money.

One problem almost everyone will have. I've never been someone who has had a lot of money or been able to buy things without thought, and I've gotten used to it. It still hurts when I see people purchase things without thought but I get it. It's life. Getting a job might be something you're thinking about. I can report that I do have one. It's a minimum wage job at a Gas Station and I have worked there for 4+ years now. The problem with it now? Every time I work it destroys me mentally. The customers are cruel and rude, and the recent world events showed me they don't care for my life.

Alright, so get a career, and that should be better. It 100% would be compared to my current job but that begs the question - what. I have no idea what I want to do or if I'm good at anything. What if I'm not? I don't mind doing the same thing daily, I like to help people, but I don't want to work with the public anymore. There are so many options out there I get so easily stimulated I just shut down. I want to do something with my life but I have no idea what.

I applied for disability but got denied due to it not being "permanent" even though it is, was diagnosed by the doctor, and even approved by the government for my OSAP loan. I even disputed the choice, it got sent to the wrong place, and I'm not panicking because I may have fricked my only chance. I have no idea how to reapply, or what I'm supposed to do, and stressing my family about this is something I can't do.

My grandmother, who has been treated for brain tumours for the past year-plus, deserves to have the end of her life be something happy and pleasant. My dad, someone I adore all my life, has been diagnosed with Crohn's disease a chronic condition that went misdiagnosed for 30+ years of her life and an accident in 2010 where she broke her spine 4 times. Adding on that she is trans, and the trauma she has of her childhood, I feel horrible bothering her. She feels like she needs to fix and do everything.

I admit that so many of my issues tie into money. I genuinely want to improve my life, my family's life, but it seems like every moment that I get ahead, the universe throws something at me.

I've recently got into art and I am happy I did. I enjoy drawing and learning, but it brings its own struggles too. I have trouble with many tutorials that are posted online as I can't understand them sometimes. There are many points friends have mentioned they had to translate something so I understand it. I am lucky to have a friend who is also learning to draw but we tend to draw different things and there are many things she just does not do or know either. I'd love to have someone to throw ideas with, talk to, and just interact with but finding them?

I don't even know if anything will come of this but I feel better. A bit at least. If you relate to any of those, I wish you well and hope it improves, and if you don't I still wish the same. I hope one day I can look back at this post and smile because things have changed.
 

TyraWadman

The Brutally Honest Man-Child
Hi everyone, before I get into it I wanted to put some trigger warnings just in case. Additionally, I read the forum rules, but if I missed one or just messed up, please let me know!

tw: depression, anxiety, ADHD, OCD, cancer, tumour, chronic illness.


I'm not the best at wording things, and my thoughts tend to be chaotic, but I'm going to try my best. I don't know how to express what I'm feeling a lot but if I were to try I'd say tired. I have been diagnosed with general & social anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and Severe depression and I'm working with my doctor on other matters. I know they affect my daily life and I truly try and do my best considering. I really just need to write it all down and I don't know maybe it'll help.

Money.

One problem almost everyone will have. I've never been someone who has had a lot of money or been able to buy things without thought, and I've gotten used to it. It still hurts when I see people purchase things without thought but I get it. It's life. Getting a job might be something you're thinking about. I can report that I do have one. It's a minimum wage job at a Gas Station and I have worked there for 4+ years now. The problem with it now? Every time I work it destroys me mentally. The customers are cruel and rude, and the recent world events showed me they don't care for my life.

Alright, so get a career, and that should be better. It 100% would be compared to my current job but that begs the question - what. I have no idea what I want to do or if I'm good at anything. What if I'm not? I don't mind doing the same thing daily, I like to help people, but I don't want to work with the public anymore. There are so many options out there I get so easily stimulated I just shut down. I want to do something with my life but I have no idea what.

I applied for disability but got denied due to it not being "permanent" even though it is, was diagnosed by the doctor, and even approved by the government for my OSAP loan. I even disputed the choice, it got sent to the wrong place, and I'm not panicking because I may have fricked my only chance. I have no idea how to reapply, or what I'm supposed to do, and stressing my family about this is something I can't do.

My grandmother, who has been treated for brain tumours for the past year-plus, deserves to have the end of her life be something happy and pleasant. My dad, someone I adore all my life, has been diagnosed with Crohn's disease a chronic condition that went misdiagnosed for 30+ years of her life and an accident in 2010 where she broke her spine 4 times. Adding on that she is trans, and the trauma she has of her childhood, I feel horrible bothering her. She feels like she needs to fix and do everything.

I admit that so many of my issues tie into money. I genuinely want to improve my life, my family's life, but it seems like every moment that I get ahead, the universe throws something at me.

I've recently got into art and I am happy I did. I enjoy drawing and learning, but it brings its own struggles too. I have trouble with many tutorials that are posted online as I can't understand them sometimes. There are many points friends have mentioned they had to translate something so I understand it. I am lucky to have a friend who is also learning to draw but we tend to draw different things and there are many things she just does not do or know either. I'd love to have someone to throw ideas with, talk to, and just interact with but finding them?

I don't even know if anything will come of this but I feel better. A bit at least. If you relate to any of those, I wish you well and hope it improves, and if you don't I still wish the same. I hope one day I can look back at this post and smile because things have changed.

I see on your DA that you live in Canada. Mind if I ask what province? I can look into some programs that might be able to help you. I've been through some work programs and all that fun jazz and just recently got out of miserable retail work after 10 miserable years!
 

Connor J. Coyote

¥otie ¥otezer
I don't know how to express what I'm feeling a lot but if I were to try I'd say tired. I have been diagnosed with general & social anxiety, ADHD, OCD, and Severe depression and I'm working with my doctor on other matters. I know they affect my daily life and I truly try and do my best considering. I really just need to write it all down and I don't know maybe it'll help.

Can I be brutally honest with you about something? Is everything you're writing up here really true? Or, are you just venting in some way just to let things all out?

Ehh..... whether it is or not, I'm taking things at face value on here, and assuming that it all is, my friend. ☺

And mind you - I'm not posting on here to be harsh with you, or - to debate the validity of your points with you or anyone else in any way...... but, with that said..... all of this is somewhat *really personal* stuff as well, I'm thinking.

And so - wouldn't the subject matter be more appropriate for a "personal journal entry" instead of a thread on here, where your personal details are being viewed, hashed out, and discussed by everyone?

Because you know.... with journal entries - you can often times reflect on those sorts of personal issues. And - you can be as detailed and do so as frequently as you like..... and in the months (and even years) to come - you can do like I frequently do, and talk about things that are going on right now and also - reflect on things in the past as well; and then decide (for yourself) whether or not any of those issues (back then) are still relevant today or not.... which is often times what personal journals are created for by many of us...... right?

And when I do this myself, I found that (best of all) - a lot of my personal thoughts when I create these kinds of journals are kept away from the public eye somewhat, which I personally think is a good thing, as I may not necessarily want to share some of these things with everyone else.

And so, perhaps in the future - creating some journal entries for yourself with these kinds of thoughts and reflections may be more beneficial for you in the long run..... I'm thinking.

And, one of the good things about journals also - is that, those other users out there who follow you or who are close to you - can in turn (if you wish) give you some moral support, some feedback, and offer up their own opinions - that may help you along in dealing with your concerns and dilemmas.

Because honestly....... when I read your passages here:
The customers are cruel and rude, and the recent world events showed me they don't care for my life.
Alright, so get a career, and that should be better. It 100% would be compared to my current job but that begs the question - what. I have no idea what I want to do or if I'm good at anything. What if I'm not? I don't mind doing the same thing daily, I like to help people, but I don't want to work with the public anymore. There are so many options out there I get so easily stimulated I just shut down. I want to do something with my life but I have no idea what.
I genuinely want to improve my life, my family's life, but it seems like every moment that I get ahead, the universe throws something at me.
...... that's all really - what many of us would call "life" frankly ☺.... and many of us can say at that point - "welcome to the club"...... right?

And whilst I certainly sympathize with your plights on here, in all honesty though - there are many of us out there that have similar (or even worse) experiences in their lives.

Whom instead of reflecting (or even complaining) about things such as this (in a very public way) - instead use these situations as a way to take more "proactive steps" in their lives to change some things...... (that aren't going well).

And journal entries may be an excellent tool for you to begin on some of those issues that you'd like to see changed.
------------------
* (Just my two cents here) for you to hopefully think about, okay?
 

rekcerW

Well-Known Member
If it's possible for you to pick up a trade, I'd look into that. It saved me years ago now.
 
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