I wanna start by saying I’m not suicidal.
Great way to start a post innit?
I feel sorta helpless. When we are kids we are taught to ‘be the change you want to be’ ‘treat others how you want to be treated’ ‘give kindness onto the world’ ‘respect others unconditionally’. All of these things sound nice and if everybody gets them unequivocally then it’s good. But then it comes to the second point of living, making an impact. Leaving good kids behind, saving a life, improving quality of people’s lives, leading this world better than when I left it. In my entire time on the internet I was niave I thought I was making a difference. But in reality I was just lying to myself to make me feel better. I can’t change hearts and minds, I can’t stop anybody from hurting themselves. Even when I am kind to people this kindness doesn’t always get reciprocated and many continue to do mean or even ‘evil’ things. I can’t make the world the place I want it to be. I will never see enough money or influence or even people who care or have a similar enough vision to do anything. I just have to sit here every day and see school shootings in the news, see friends and family growing sick, watch friends who I love dearly drift away. What does any of it matter really? I don’t want to die, and that’s why I started with my opening. It just feels like life is so meaningless. I get to wake up every week day to go to school to learn a skill for a job I will hate, I work on weekends to make minimum wage and a paycheck that would make me want to cry. I will work for the next 40 years if my life minimum in the hopes that I will save enough to not have to work when my body starts to die.
The routines and the patterns and the same thing over and over again all feels so pointless. When I leave this life I won’t have made the world any better. It will be left just as broken as when I came into it. That scares me.