part of me kind of wishes i was a girl sometimes. like, not enough to want to transition, but enough to be pretty sad about it. being a failed man kind of sucks. over the years i feel like my self-esteem as a guy has deteriorated to the point where i feel like i was never meant to be a dude. that i'm not equipped for the challenges and hardships that comes with being a dude (with dated, normalized gender roles in mind).
obviously not to downplay any of the challenges or hardships women face as well, i just feel like a lot of the time i was meant to take on those ones instead. i despise feeling lesser for being a gentle, humble, emotional soul, and not the traditional image of what a man should be, and what most of the opposite sex is attracted to. i wish i was valued for my softness, instead of mocked and shunned by traditional society. i despise having to force masculinity and arrogance to be treated with the same respect as other men, and still fail a lot of the time.
i've been working out a lot this past year and had noticed i was kind of anxious at the idea of becoming a bigger guy muscle-mass wise. because even though part of me did want to get bigger for the sake of being accepted and increasing my social appeal, i felt this deep melancholy for losing my softer, feminine identity. my true self, so to speak. so i just stopped altogether because i was so tangled between what i really wanted for myself.
i've had these sort of feelings for years, but never enough to straight up admit "i wish i was a girl" before. what an odd feeling.