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Virtual Mini Con/Birthday Party

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
Warning: Possible intense/opinionated/defensive statement, read with a clear mind.
To be fair, anyone who breaks up with you on your birthday isn't someone you'd want back anyway. Not to rub salt in the wound now...but seriously, what a dickhead. They could have waited at least a week or something so you could enjoy your one day of the year that celebrates you. I'm glad that (after the healing is over) you'll be able to find someone who values you, your time, and your life much more than that asswipe of a human being.
What really happened was I wanted to talk about all the issues we've been having in our relationship for ~8 months that I've been bringing up over and over again. He chose to ignore my questions and texts and invited his friends over for video games all night.
There have been so many problems in this relationship. The sex is so bad it's almost funny. The communication is almost nonexistent. I feel like I'm a third wheel to his brother or whatever friend he has over. He doesn't take care of his diabetes and nearly dies all the time. I hate feeling like his nurse, parent, dietician, sex doll, etc. and he wouldn't listen to me or talk to me and wanted to pretend everything is fine.
He has been freaking me out with how much denial he is in, so I have no healthy choice but to move back in with my parents. Even though we JUST got a duplex less than a month ago, and I'm on the lease.
And I am really going to miss that hedgehog. Scooter is a good boy, and I bonded with him.
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
What really happened was I wanted to talk about all the issues we've been having in our relationship for ~8 months that I've been bringing up over and over again. He chose to ignore my questions and texts and invited his friends over for video games all night.
There have been so many problems in this relationship. The sex is so bad it's almost funny. The communication is almost nonexistent. I feel like I'm a third wheel to his brother or whatever friend he has over. He doesn't take care of his diabetes and nearly dies all the time. I hate feeling like his nurse, parent, dietician, sex doll, etc. and he wouldn't listen to me or talk to me and wanted to pretend everything is fine.
He has been freaking me out with how much denial he is in, so I have no healthy choice but to move back in with my parents. Even though we JUST got a duplex less than a month ago, and I'm on the lease.
And I am really going to miss that hedgehog. Scooter is a good boy, and I bonded with him.
It would have been totally fine if Inks had just been open to communication and compromise. It would have worked out if he wasn't addicted to weed and video games and unhealthy foods that make him have blood sugar episodes (or not eating! And then his sugar drops to 44! And he almost dies in his sleep!!!! It freaks me the fuck out!!!!!!!!) I think he's suffering from some kind of depression that I can't get him out of. I care about him a lot, and I feel like he needs more people in his life to hold him accountable for things and encourage him. He has loser friends who drink and smoke a lot and play 8+ hours of games and at least one of them is/was a crack and E dealer and user. Who he invites over to our house without asking me permission. Nope, P-boy can just stay over whenever, like he lives here. No one thought for a moment that this may be a super dumb idea, having the illegal drugs guy over!
I've become so burnt out with worry over Inks and our relationship and how to salvage it and manage it and keep him alive. I ceased to feel like an equal partner and I've become more like a parent. He won't or can't listen to me or understand me. Maybe the weed and all the blood sugar episodes have wrecked his brain. I am very afraid for his life, but I can't be his partner through this. It's hurting me too much.
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
It would have been totally fine if Inks had just been open to communication and compromise. It would have worked out if he wasn't addicted to weed and video games and unhealthy foods that make him have blood sugar episodes (or not eating! And then his sugar drops to 44! And he almost dies in his sleep!!!! It freaks me the fuck out!!!!!!!!) I think he's suffering from some kind of depression that I can't get him out of. I care about him a lot, and I feel like he needs more people in his life to hold him accountable for things and encourage him. He has loser friends who drink and smoke a lot and play 8+ hours of games and at least one of them is/was a crack and E dealer and user. Who he invites over to our house without asking me permission. Nope, P-boy can just stay over whenever, like he lives here. No one thought for a moment that this may be a super dumb idea, having the illegal drugs guy over!
I've become so burnt out with worry over Inks and our relationship and how to salvage it and manage it and keep him alive. I ceased to feel like an equal partner and I've become more like a parent. He won't or can't listen to me or understand me. Maybe the weed and all the blood sugar episodes have wrecked his brain. I am very afraid for his life, but I can't be his partner through this. It's hurting me too much.
What hurts me is that Inks is so kind, cuddly, kissy, and sweet, gives gifts, helps people, is overall a cute sunshine fluffy baby despite also being built like a kickass tatted club bouncer. He is so cool in other areas. He is a hard worker and a strong man who is dedicated to whatever job he has (often a little too dedicated, to where he may hurt himself sometimes.) He can be so sweet and wonderful and gentle. He has a soft spot for little animals, like his hedgehog. He's a truly sweet boy from a terrible upbringing who came out surprisingly well-adjusted. I don't think he means any harm or malicious intent, but he is ignorant and immature and possibly has some sort of mental problems. I also think he normalizes drug and vice addiction, like how he's cool with hanging out with a guy he has literally reported at work for snorting crack on the job. He smokes around 4 bowls of weed a day now. There are times when he plays so much Fallout that his eyes get dry and bloodshot. He used to drink heavily and drive home "just sober enough" from bars. I am having a dreadful time communicating with him and getting him to understand that this is not normal shit.
I can only do so much before I can't any more.
 

Zehlua

Magepunk Fashionisto
What hurts me is that Inks is so kind, cuddly, kissy, and sweet, gives gifts, helps people, is overall a cute sunshine fluffy baby despite also being built like a kickass tatted club bouncer. He is so cool in other areas. He is a hard worker and a strong man who is dedicated to whatever job he has (often a little too dedicated, to where he may hurt himself sometimes.) He can be so sweet and wonderful and gentle. He has a soft spot for little animals, like his hedgehog. He's a truly sweet boy from a terrible upbringing who came out surprisingly well-adjusted. I don't think he means any harm or malicious intent, but he is ignorant and immature and possibly has some sort of mental problems. I also think he normalizes drug and vice addiction, like how he's cool with hanging out with a guy he has literally reported at work for snorting crack on the job. He smokes around 4 bowls of weed a day now. There are times when he plays so much Fallout that his eyes get dry and bloodshot. He used to drink heavily and drive home "just sober enough" from bars. I am having a dreadful time communicating with him and getting him to understand that this is not normal shit.
I can only do so much before I can't any more.
If I may vent about the sex... it got weird.
Hella weird.
Apologies for any TMI.
When we first got together, things were AMAZING. He could really do it all and rocked my world!
At some point, it was like he got replaced with a pod person. All of a sudden, he has no idea how to dirty talk. He's awkward and inexperienced. It's bizarre, beyond just vanilla, and mechanical.
It devolved quickly into him basically being aroused from my body's appearance, kissing me, and then he wants in and he's done in a couple minutes and then either falls asleep or walks out to play video games. I don't get the attention I need. I have to nag him to help me get my turn. And, once again, it's very awkward and half-assed and mechanical. I have to use a vibe to get off, which he finds confusing and probably intimidating. I can tell he's one of those guys who feels upset that his d alone isn't what works for me. (Sorry, I didn't ask for this body... I wish it liked the d and nothing more, but unfortunately I need hours of foreplay.)
Inks is still in his early to mid twenties, and his sex drive went from very high to very low abruptly with no explanation.
It made me feel so embarrassed and confused and ugly. I tried so hard to bring up fun role-playing ideas and kinks and stuff, but he would ignore me or argue that "that's not really [him]" or "That's not something I do." Even though he was doing things just fine when we first got together!
I can't get involved with sex unless my partner has enthusiastic consent and passion. The only thing he seemed to kinda like was whatever made him get off in a couple minutes. I found great difficulty introducing him to anything else. Nothing worked. I found this very weird and very sad.
He made me feel like my body was all that mattered. My desires and my feelings didn't do anything for him. And that was an uncomfortable truth I had to wrap my head around. He likes me as an upgrade from a sex doll.
Inks loves a false image of me, and does not like to be confronted with who I really am.
 

FoxWithAName

New Member
A relationship needs to be maintained by both parties... Says the Person who never was in a serious relationship *cough* *cough*. I think you pretty much said the main pain point. What you stated the drugs, the bad people around him and his not caring for his illness is merely a symptom of a really rough time he is going through. You can assist him by managing his life but you can not force him to get his shit together, eventually he needs to overview his situation and get some serious help. Maybe the distance can help him see that for himself. I am not an expert though and I am really sorry for you...

Your Dream was very cool by the way. I joined it out of curiosity and I liked how your Bartender serves the Water. But please stock on beer.
 

Raever

Chaotic Neutral Wreckage
I think venting like this is the first step of letting go. I had a relationship that was pretty rough as well, and it took a lot of coaxing from a lot of people for me to work up the nerve to leave. So, I'm glad that you're comfortable enough to vent here.

I won't take too long, or respond to everything in this thread. That can be done in private, if you wish for more detailed opinions and some experiences to back those up, but I will give some Generalized advice.

For starters, it sounds like even if you did manage to work things out - it wouldn't be for you. It'd be for him. This guy, no matter how sweet, is on a slope that he's not going to leave just because you're there with him. That's not how Psychology (or gravity) works. He will either drag you with him, or break you on his way down.

Nothing you mentioned holds any personal benefit to you, and based on what you've said, it sounds like he's fallen out of love with you or feels entitled to your presence in his life in some way and so he forgets to value you. In either case, this can be extremely dangerous for you emotionally as it can cause actual psychological damage. This isn't even taking into account the crowds he hangs with, and how they might affect you when he's not looking.

So all in all, if I were in your shoes (after having dealt with and overcome my own bad situations...) I'd avoid him like the plague and block every contact I could.

I'd send him money for bills via Zelle or another non-contact way, and only if I legally had to. If he chose not to pay the bills, I'd have records of providing the money to show any authorities. If you could set up separate payments so you could pay your half without him, that would be best. Again, only if you were legally bound to. I know some places are different so I won't get into that.

It's good that you have a safe place to be (with your parents). I've learned the hard way through multiple relationships that living with someone you're dating is likely a bad idea. Not because the relationship could fail, but because (in every experience I've had,) they begin to stop valuing their time with you. I highly advocate for people to take the time to set themselves up in a way that they can do almost everything themselves. That way, their SO won't effect their life in a financial or living situation and they can solely focus on the relationship and it's health.

I understand that my experiences and lessons might not be the majority. Several people both married and not thrive while living together, but usually, those people are often in their late twenties or thirties and already have their shit figured out. So they have the time and energy to focus on each other without giving up something else in the process.

Many people (myself included) have and/or are willing to do practically anything for a loved one. Even if it means giving up on themselves and the steps they needed to take in life before ever settling down with anyone. Love is beautiful and should be cherished, but in order to truly cherish it, you need to be able to do so without losing yourself or your opportunities.

Take this time to heal and build yourself back up as much as possible (figure out some reliable work if you don't have it, get a license and/or a car if you don't have it/you're able to/and can afford it, figure out a place to live on your own once the lease ends if you can manage it, etc). When you've done so, you'll be able to look at things from a fresh perspective...and you might not even be in pain over it anymore.
 

TyraWadman

The Silent Observer
For getting off the lease, you could always find someone to take your place. Maybe ask one of his 'bffs' to sign their life away instead? Sweeten the deal by saying 'you can keep my deposit' that way they only have to pay whatever the upcoming rent is. Worst case scenario, look into what it would cost to sever it. I know I'd be willing to help donate to the cause!

You really do sound like you deserve better. I know it will be hard, and there will be some days where you will (probably) think it's a mistake, but you have to keep reminding yourself of what lead you to this moment in the first place. You shouldn't have to gamble the next 10-20 years of your life to someone that will most likely never turn himself around.

The pattern sounds similar to my first ex. I left him in 2017, but only managed to get the point across that I didn't want him talking to me anymore in 2020. By that point, he'd stuck his dick in crazy and she was taking him to court, accusing him of rape. Then he decided to be a rebel and give cops attitude to the point where they had to tazer him and take his phone privilege's away... I'm also pretty sure he was on house arrest at that point, needing police to escort him when he went to visit his kids. He always tried to get sentimental with me, saying how I was the only one he dated that never tried to hurt him, but naive me was gone. Even after the relationship was done and over with, he only ever felt sorry for himself. He never acknowledged the hurt he'd done to me and continued to feign ignorance and say annoying shit like "I'm sorry for whatever it is I did". Like... I didn't just get up and move for no reason, bud. And I'm not trying to make this about me either. Just try to be strong because I have a feeling they'll do shit like this to you too. )8<

End rant before I get carried away.
 

Raever

Chaotic Neutral Wreckage
For getting off the lease, you could always find someone to take your place. Maybe ask one of his 'bffs' to sign their life away instead? Sweeten the deal by saying 'you can keep my deposit' that way they only have to pay whatever the upcoming rent is. Worst case scenario, look into what it would cost to sever it. I know I'd be willing to help donate to the cause!

My only concern would be people taking advantage of that and wrecking the place and then the OP gets blamed for it. Plus, it'd be considered bad rent history if they left the lease early. It'd be much better for them to figure out a way to pay outside of their former SO and keep their history clean for the next time they want to rent somewhere.
 

TyraWadman

The Silent Observer
My only concern would be people taking advantage of that and wrecking the place and then the OP gets blamed for it. Plus, it'd be considered bad rent history if they left the lease early. It'd be much better for them to figure out a way to pay outside of their former SO and keep their history clean for the next time they want to rent somewhere.

Really? It looks 'bad' to fulfill/pay to terminate a lease? XD I would understand if they left without paying at all...
If that's the case, then I hope they can get someone to take their place.
 

Raever

Chaotic Neutral Wreckage
Really? It looks 'bad' to fulfill/pay to terminate a lease? XD I would understand if they left without paying at all...
If that's the case, then I hope they can get someone to take their place.

It might depend on where you live, but yeah in some cases cancelling a lease early (for any reason) can get you blacklisted from renting at other places for months or even years. It also affects credit scores, and other small things. It can be pretty detrimental.
 

Yakamaru

Shai'Hulud Whisperer. Or a sand hobo
Jeeesus, that's a lot of problems you've had to deal with, love. Didn't even know.

Would offer a hug if it would be acceptable.
 

Kuroserama

Just a fox.
I'm sorry you had to go through all of this. And I hope one day this birthday will be remembered not as "I broke up with my boyfriend" but instead as "best decision ever!"

As crappy as you currently feel, this definitely sounds like the best for you. I don't really have anything to contribute that the others haven't already said, but just another voice to reassure you that you're doing the right thing.

As for the lease issue... You could start a gofundme and see if that generates some help. And if you were able to raise the total of your portion of the lease, maybe you could talk to whomever you're leasing from and set up some automatic payment (or if you could pay it in full and be done with it).

Good luck, and for what it's worth, Happy Belated Birthday. You have friends here, should you need us!
 
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