What does polyamourous mean again?

[um_pineapplez]

I've heard the word, and I've contemplated it (what with my desire for a mate and all), but I don't really know what it means. I'd like someone to explain it to me.

 

[Sagt]

Having multiple partners where all of them know and are cool about it.

 

[um_pineapplez]

Having multiple partners where all of them know and are cool about it.

It honestly sounds like fun.

I wish I wasn't so conflicted about the idea.

 

[Saylor]

To me, it means to get the fuck out of that "relationship". I'm very monogamous and a couple of my ex girlfriends would go out and have sex with multiple guys and even other girls in one night and then use polyamory as a reason for why they slept with so many guys. I see it as a bad reason to cheat because I see it as the same as them saying "I can't control myself around other people I find attractive, and I can't commit myself to one partner because of my urges. So, I'm using some bigass and long word to justify my cheating."

I wish I could see a benefit from it myself, but I simply can't. I feel like it really ruins a relationship from the start because of the whole concept of it. To me, a real relationship is about the close and tightly knit bond between only 2 partners. When other people start getting involved, it removes the element of intimacy that becomes necessary for a healthy relationship to exist and instead it only feels like a friends with benefits type of relation. I am not opposed to friends with benefits between 2 people when they are both single because there is no established relationship between them. But, when someone goes as far as saying they are in a relationship, but they can sleep with whoever they want to, I have to disagree because of how badly it hurts the relationship. And I really believe it hurts the relationship because of what happens when you really feel a special bond with your partner and then they go out and have sex with someone else without your prior knowledge or what happens when your partner closes themselves to a relationship with someone else.

That's why I do what I can to learn and make sure my partner in a relationship won't be that way. So far, it seems to really be benefitting me because I just had my 8th month with my current girlfriend and our bond together and intimacy feels like no other.

 

[um_pineapplez]

I don't know how to feel about it so far. It's confusing and I have conflicting thoughts on it.

 

[ExtinguishedHope]

After having had experiences with poly relationships before, I know it's also one of those things that you need open and communicative partners for. That's super important. If you're thinking about being poly, you have to have trust and not be a jealous person, and your partners need to think the same way. When it works, poly relationships can be nice and very fulfilling- but if you jump into it with the wrong people, it'll be a pain in the ass and someone's feelings will ruin everything.

Honestly, don't do it unless you and anyone involved are a hundred percent certain it's what you want.

 

[um_pineapplez]

Honestly I don't know what I want. I just want a mate so badly I'll do anything for one.

 

[quoting_mungo]

I've heard the word, and I've contemplated it (what with my desire for a mate and all), but I don't really know what it means. I'd like someone to explain it to me.

At its root, (romantic) love for multiple people. Being in a "couple" type relationship without necessarily being only two people. It can be hard work sometimes, but at least to me, the effort is well worth it for the rewards.

To me, it means to get the fuck out of that "relationship". I'm very monogamous and a couple of my ex girlfriends would go out and have sex with multiple guys and even other girls in one night and then use polyamory as a reason for why they slept with so many guys.

I don't know your exes, so I can't presume to know what degree of truth there would have been in that explanation, but not mixing poly/monoamorous people in the same relationship is pretty much Lesson Zero, generally speaking. In my opinion, going into a relationship with someone you know to be monoamorous (I use this rather than "monogamous" given that most "monogamous" people I know also restrict their romantic feelings to one person) while you know yourself to be strongly polyamorous is a recipe for disaster and not something a conscientous individual would knowingly do.

I see it as a bad reason to cheat because I see it as the same as them saying "I can't control myself around other people I find attractive, and I can't commit myself to one partner because of my urges. So, I'm using some bigass and long word to justify my cheating."

Any reason to cheat is a bad reason to cheat in my book. I say this as someone happily involved in an open, polyamorous relationship. Going outside the established boundaries of your relationship, regardless of what those boundaries are, is failing yourself and your partner(s). That does not mean polyamory should be conflated with infidelity or lack of sexual impulse control. Commitment to more than one person is not, by necessity, easier. Physical attraction only plays as much part in it as it does in you selecting your single partner.

I wish I could see a benefit from it myself, but I simply can't. I feel like it really ruins a relationship from the start because of the whole concept of it. To me, a real relationship is about the close and tightly knit bond between only 2 partners. When other people start getting involved, it removes the element of intimacy that becomes necessary for a healthy relationship to exist and instead it only feels like a friends with benefits type of relation. I am not opposed to friends with benefits between 2 people when they are both single because there is no established relationship between them.

It's okay if you can't see the benefit of a polyamorous relationship - that simply means they're not for you. And that's fine; no one should feel forced into a relationship structure they're not comfortable in. But imagine for a moment that you could share that same close, tightly-knit bond with (for example) two other people. That when your partners kiss or share endearments, it warms your heart as much as if you're the one being kissed or told "I love you". That as much as wanting to spend time with them, you want them spending time together, because you know it would make them happy, and their happiness is your happiness.

That is what polyamory feels like, when you're in a functioning poly relationship. That is what I feel when I encourage our boyfriend to spend time with my husband if he can. I have the privilege of loving two wonderful people who love not only me, but also each other.

But, when someone goes as far as saying they are in a relationship, but they can sleep with whoever they want to, I have to disagree because of how badly it hurts the relationship. And I really believe it hurts the relationship because of what happens when you really feel a special bond with your partner and then they go out and have sex with someone else without your prior knowledge or what happens when your partner closes themselves to a relationship with someone else.

Please do not conflate polyamory with open relationships. There are open, monogamous relationships as well as closed polyamorous relationships out there, and you do no one any favors by treating them as the same thing. You've obviously been hurt in the past, and I'm very sorry for that, but what you're describing is not something that would fly even in many open relationships.

The central point of relationships is communication. I would never go out and have sex with someone else without first having established with my partners that sex outside of our triad is okay. Some open relationships require each partner to be vetted - mine simply stipulates "be safe". Neither way is right or wrong, beyond possibly being right or wrong for a given relationship. In the case of my relationship, the three of us do not have perfectly matching tastes (as is often the case in any relationship, no matter how many people are in it), and some of them are not things the other two are willing to indulge. Allowing for someone outside of the relationship to scratch that itch, means knowing that you are not depriving your partner of something that they really enjoy because you don't share that enjoyment. We are also spread out over three different countries. Allowing for sex outside the relationship means getting laid doesn't have to put me literally hundreds of dollars in the hole. That doesn't mean open relationships are for everyone; I'm simply mentioning this to illustrate some reasons why people might choose to have an open relationship, and how the open/closed quality of relationships is separate from the mono/polyamorous nature of it.

It's been eight years and changed since my husband and I got engaged; about two and a half since we married. We've been offering to bring our boyfriend into the relationship for years, to the best of my recollection, and he was a lover to both of us even before he accepted that offer last year.

My previous relationship was monogamous due to my ex's insecurities, was much less stable than my current one, and didn't even last as long as my husband and I have been married. I spent much of that relationship deeply conflicted, because though I loved my ex, I also deeply loved the man who is now my husband. (And no, my husband had nothing to do with that relationship ending. My ex broke up with me to pursue his dream career.)

 

[um_pineapplez]

At its root, (romantic) love for multiple people. Being in a "couple" type relationship without necessarily being only two people. It can be hard work sometimes, but at least to me, the effort is well worth it for the rewards.


I don't know your exes, so I can't presume to know what degree of truth there would have been in that explanation, but not mixing poly/monoamorous people in the same relationship is pretty much Lesson Zero, generally speaking. In my opinion, going into a relationship with someone you know to be monoamorous (I use this rather than "monogamous" given that most "monogamous" people I know also restrict their romantic feelings to one person) while you know yourself to be strongly polyamorous is a recipe for disaster and not something a conscientous individual would knowingly do.


Any reason to cheat is a bad reason to cheat in my book. I say this as someone happily involved in an open, polyamorous relationship. Going outside the established boundaries of your relationship, regardless of what those boundaries are, is failing yourself and your partner(s). That does not mean polyamory should be conflated with infidelity or lack of sexual impulse control. Commitment to more than one person is not, by necessity, easier. Physical attraction only plays as much part in it as it does in you selecting your single partner.


It's okay if you can't see the benefit of a polyamorous relationship - that simply means they're not for you. And that's fine; no one should feel forced into a relationship structure they're not comfortable in. But imagine for a moment that you could share that same close, tightly-knit bond with (for example) two other people. That when your partners kiss or share endearments, it warms your heart as much as if you're the one being kissed or told "I love you". That as much as wanting to spend time with them, you want them spending time together, because you know it would make them happy, and their happiness is your happiness.

That is what polyamory feels like, when you're in a functioning poly relationship. That is what I feel when I encourage our boyfriend to spend time with my husband if he can. I have the privilege of loving two wonderful people who love not only me, but also each other.


Please do not conflate polyamory with open relationships. There are open, monogamous relationships as well as closed polyamorous relationships out there, and you do no one any favors by treating them as the same thing. You've obviously been hurt in the past, and I'm very sorry for that, but what you're describing is not something that would fly even in many open relationships.

The central point of relationships is communication. I would never go out and have sex with someone else without first having established with my partners that sex outside of our triad is okay. Some open relationships require each partner to be vetted - mine simply stipulates "be safe". Neither way is right or wrong, beyond possibly being right or wrong for a given relationship. In the case of my relationship, the three of us do not have perfectly matching tastes (as is often the case in any relationship, no matter how many people are in it), and some of them are not things the other two are willing to indulge. Allowing for someone outside of the relationship to scratch that itch, means knowing that you are not depriving your partner of something that they really enjoy because you don't share that enjoyment. We are also spread out over three different countries. Allowing for sex outside the relationship means getting laid doesn't have to put me literally hundreds of dollars in the hole. That doesn't mean open relationships are for everyone; I'm simply mentioning this to illustrate some reasons why people might choose to have an open relationship, and how the open/closed quality of relationships is separate from the mono/polyamorous nature of it.

It's been eight years and changed since my husband and I got engaged; about two and a half since we married. We've been offering to bring our boyfriend into the relationship for years, to the best of my recollection, and he was a lover to both of us even before he accepted that offer last year.

My previous relationship was monogamous due to my ex's insecurities, was much less stable than my current one, and didn't even last as long as my husband and I have been married. I spent much of that relationship deeply conflicted, because though I loved my ex, I also deeply loved the man who is now my husband. (And no, my husband had nothing to do with that relationship ending. My ex broke up with me to pursue his dream career.)

Wow. That's confusing. I think I might be too insecure to do that stuff.


Let the whining about my insecurities comme- nah just kidding.

 

[Alex K]

It means there's multiple machines that have strange robot intercourse because that's what they were designed to do.

Lemme tell ya. What a waste of MY tax dollars!
>: (

 

[quoting_mungo]

Wow. That's confusing. I think I might be too insecure to do that stuff.

Let the whining about my insecurities comme- nah just kidding.

And that's okay - good on you for seeing that about yourself. You've also got many years to work out how you feel about things like this; I didn't know I'd come to be poly when I was your age. I had barely figured out I was bisexual.

 

[Okami_No_Heishi]

If your partner had sex with another person without your consent, it's not a polyamorous relationship. Polamory isn't about cheating, its just essentially an ethical way to have a relationship with more than one person.

It is the opposite of monogamy.

 

[quoting_mungo]

It is the opposite of monogamy.

That's like saying a cerberus is the opposite of a dog. Open relationships get a lot closer to being the opposite of monogamy than polyamory does.

 

[PlusThirtyOne]

I've heard the word, and I've contemplated it (what with my desire for a mate and all), but I don't really know what it means. I'd like someone to explain it to me.

Just gonna shamelessly plug my comic here. Specifically p72-p77. Don't worry, it's apt. Let me know if this helps. i'm genuinely curious how well my explaination is received.

 

[aloveablebunny]

At its root, (romantic) love for multiple people. Being in a "couple" type relationship without necessarily being only two people. It can be hard work sometimes, but at least to me, the effort is well worth it for the rewards.


I don't know your exes, so I can't presume to know what degree of truth there would have been in that explanation, but not mixing poly/monoamorous people in the same relationship is pretty much Lesson Zero, generally speaking. In my opinion, going into a relationship with someone you know to be monoamorous (I use this rather than "monogamous" given that most "monogamous" people I know also restrict their romantic feelings to one person) while you know yourself to be strongly polyamorous is a recipe for disaster and not something a conscientous individual would knowingly do.


Any reason to cheat is a bad reason to cheat in my book. I say this as someone happily involved in an open, polyamorous relationship. Going outside the established boundaries of your relationship, regardless of what those boundaries are, is failing yourself and your partner(s). That does not mean polyamory should be conflated with infidelity or lack of sexual impulse control. Commitment to more than one person is not, by necessity, easier. Physical attraction only plays as much part in it as it does in you selecting your single partner.


It's okay if you can't see the benefit of a polyamorous relationship - that simply means they're not for you. And that's fine; no one should feel forced into a relationship structure they're not comfortable in. But imagine for a moment that you could share that same close, tightly-knit bond with (for example) two other people. That when your partners kiss or share endearments, it warms your heart as much as if you're the one being kissed or told "I love you". That as much as wanting to spend time with them, you want them spending time together, because you know it would make them happy, and their happiness is your happiness.

That is what polyamory feels like, when you're in a functioning poly relationship. That is what I feel when I encourage our boyfriend to spend time with my husband if he can. I have the privilege of loving two wonderful people who love not only me, but also each other.


Please do not conflate polyamory with open relationships. There are open, monogamous relationships as well as closed polyamorous relationships out there, and you do no one any favors by treating them as the same thing. You've obviously been hurt in the past, and I'm very sorry for that, but what you're describing is not something that would fly even in many open relationships.

The central point of relationships is communication. I would never go out and have sex with someone else without first having established with my partners that sex outside of our triad is okay. Some open relationships require each partner to be vetted - mine simply stipulates "be safe". Neither way is right or wrong, beyond possibly being right or wrong for a given relationship. In the case of my relationship, the three of us do not have perfectly matching tastes (as is often the case in any relationship, no matter how many people are in it), and some of them are not things the other two are willing to indulge. Allowing for someone outside of the relationship to scratch that itch, means knowing that you are not depriving your partner of something that they really enjoy because you don't share that enjoyment. We are also spread out over three different countries. Allowing for sex outside the relationship means getting laid doesn't have to put me literally hundreds of dollars in the hole. That doesn't mean open relationships are for everyone; I'm simply mentioning this to illustrate some reasons why people might choose to have an open relationship, and how the open/closed quality of relationships is separate from the mono/polyamorous nature of it.

It's been eight years and changed since my husband and I got engaged; about two and a half since we married. We've been offering to bring our boyfriend into the relationship for years, to the best of my recollection, and he was a lover to both of us even before he accepted that offer last year.

My previous relationship was monogamous due to my ex's insecurities, was much less stable than my current one, and didn't even last as long as my husband and I have been married. I spent much of that relationship deeply conflicted, because though I loved my ex, I also deeply loved the man who is now my husband. (And no, my husband had nothing to do with that relationship ending. My ex broke up with me to pursue his dream career.)

Thank you for giving such a frank and thorough explanation of how polyamory works for you. I appreciated that a lot. It doesn't always work out so well for everyone!

 

[aloveablebunny]

Wow. That's confusing. I think I might be too insecure to do that stuff.


Let the whining about my insecurities comme- nah just kidding.

To have a successful and fulfilling poly relationship, all of the people involved have to have a strong trust in each other and the relationship, as well as clearly defined boundaries.

If you have issues with insecurity and trust, poly might not be right for you (at this time in your life).

 

[EdgarKingmaker]

Having been in a poly relationship before, there's many different ways to define it. A very important part is, of course, ensuring that you all understand what definition yours falls under.

That's being said, I think a lot of swingers get the term confused as sexual, and not romantic. Still, like every romantic relationship, it takes a great deal of trust and communication between the parties involved.

I advise a monogamous relationship with someone open to the idea of polyamory to start off.

My relationship become polyamorous as a means to romantically involve a pet. Unfortunately, my mate started dating outside my consent, and now she's my ex.

 

[quoting_mungo]

Thank you for giving such a frank and thorough explanation of how polyamory works for you. I appreciated that a lot. It doesn't always work out so well for everyone!

Indeed not, and I consider myself incredibly lucky to have the relationship I do. I'm mostly trying to make the point that blaming the failure of your relationship on the relationship structure, rather than the people in the relationship, is pretty silly. If you consent to opening up your relationship when you're not comfortable with it, and that leads to a break-up, you screwed up. If you go outside the established boundaries of your relationship, and that leads to a break-up, you screwed up. If you consent to a closed monogamous relationship when you're inherently poly by nature, and that leads to a break-up, you screwed up.

I'm not comfortable with being told "you must love me and only me" - to me that's like saying I am only allowed to eat one type of food for the rest of my life, or like saying I may only have one friend, or only love one of my relatives. Love is not a finite resource, and I'll feel it for as many people as I damn well please. So for me monogamy is not an option.

 

[Arcturus Maple]

My relationship become polyamorous as a means to romantically involve a pet. Unfortunately, my mate started dating outside my consent, and now she's my ex.

Ouch. That's rough. Our hearts go out to you.

This is a good example of how a good relationship works, though. Everyone is open about their relationship(s), communicates with full honesty about the situation and their feelings, and respects their partner(s). The closer a relationship with another is, the greater care must be taken to have consideration for that person, which is why we care what our families and lover(s) think; we care about them. This is also why very little care is given to what strangers think, as the only relationship which exists there is potential friendship/love/family, making their views only potentially relevant.

 

[JumboWumbo]

My relationship become polyamorous as a means to romantically involve a pet.

Uh... What now?

 

[Royn]

Polyamorous is someone who is turned on by plastic.

 

[EdgarKingmaker]

Ouch. That's rough. Our hearts go out to you.

Eh, she was kinda bad for me anyway. Ended up dating a married couple, ended up dividing them and becoming single, herself.

Got a fine lady now, fingers crossed it stays that way.