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What works, and what didn't, in this TF story?


New Member
I tried working on a restart of my Furry Mokushiro story, trying to make it better by steamlining some thing I had issues first time around. Thing is this did not feel, right, and wanted to redo the entire thing again. But before hand I wanted to get a fresh pair of eyes on what I had written, and give some kind of feedback to make the next draft better.

I would like to point out before hand two things, I wanted to write a "fetish" book where human males have to live with anthro females which is pretty oblivious, the other I wanted to avoid "nanites did it" like in the original story so I tried "living energy beings".

Thanks for your help in advance.

Once the vessel was the size of several suns when it was launched from the doomed world, or was it a space colony? Perhaps it was an asteroid or maybe it was a sun station? The Memory banks were not functioning right, being missing and all. Those were used as power cells when it had collided with some nasty gases that eroded the original cells, this was three centuries after crashing through a white dwarf that had melted away most of the shell which required to convert most of the storage containers. The A.I. had a choice to make, survival of animal specimens or a small population of the occupants.

Shame about the occupants.

Drifting through space for the long time, no contact from others and constant repairs reduced the vessel to the size of a large couch. The occupants was reduced from a solid eight sexton to a mere few billion females, the males were accidentally lost when passing that planet's atmosphere where it rained diamonds and fire. The A.I. had gone flaky, constantly glitching and leaping to faulty conclusions. It also might be kind of insane, that's slipping hairs though. Things were looking bad.

After drifting through the cosmos and going well outside of civilized life a good aeon the vessel had finally reached its goal, a habitat planet. The A.I. had done the calculating, it was about eight light minutes from the sun, atmosphere was good, lifeforms seem compatible in one form or another, ether they can eat the millions of creatures and not die, hopefully, the A.I. figured those were good factors. Yet there was a problem, there is always a problem.

Space travel involves taking a being or an object than converting the physical state into energy arranged so it can be stored as data in a small container. When they land somewhere they are converted back to a solid state, like nothing happened. The problem was there was no enough power for a complete conversion of all of the occupants, just a thousand or so. That would not due, the A.I. did come up with a solution.

By leaving everyone in the energy form, with a little tinkering they could find the nearest genetic equivalent before absorbing them to take on a solid state. It seemed like a great idea that came from a busted computer system floating through space for strange aeons.

It unleashed the containers randomly on the planet below, no plan or real thought put into just shooting for land and hope for the best. Each container should have some survival equipment stored for emergencies, if they still worked. The A.I. felt proud of itself.

There was some miscalculation though, the A.I. had not figure the planet's gravity would have a strong pull nor did it factor in the heat friction of entry. Being dragged towards the planet the vessel began to break apart. The vessel had several small explosions, losing more of itself before crashing with a massive explosion in some mountain regions, the parts containing the animal specimens bursting open and spreading through the air itself.

Nobody was knocked down when it impacted, they were blow off their feet. Windows were blown out, alarms going off for blocks around as people were trying to figure out what happened. The authorities were quick to scramble toward the crash site, mainly fire department and a few cops trying to corner off the area while taking away the injured. They paid little attention to the box shaped, device, it was gold in color and very smooth with some scorch markings. The strange device began beeping, two dots appeared along with a hologram over one side with strange symbols appeared. That was never a good sign.

The device opened, before anyone could react a spark popped out, it float for a second than taking form. The thing seem to be humanoid colored yellow, with a thick, tapering tail constructed out of light, energy or the sorts. Stepping away from the device onto solid ground another one had appeared, only pink, it was followed by a red being, which was followed by a orange being. They did not stand around after emerging, these beings instantly launched forward into the crowd causing large scale panic as the energy beings were trying to grab onto the people. It would ether ignore the men or touched them yet nothing happened, these beings were after the women.

One firefighter was dumbfounded as the being of green light was grabbing at her, it found stopped when it touched a bare part of the neck, causing some kind of reaction in her body. Not pain, lot of tingling, mainly it was her head, above her ass and in her sex, feeling of the skin being stretched the woman was frightened. Her expensive skirt was being torn as her thighs were expanding, the shoes being destroyed as her feet were shooting forward, five toes merging into three large, rounded ones as the nails fell off.

A cop tried to shot one of these beings to no effect, he watched every woman these things touched change quickly, and there were hundreds of them coming from the device.

It was other places these boxes appeared. Like in Japan where one landed on a few politicians who was trying to pass a law about banning animation to protect the youth, in reality he could not pick up any girls so naturally the thinking process of a politician he came to that conclusion.

Several had gathered into many subway station, in the Shinjuku station staff locked out people who were pounding away at the doors trying to get in as those beings were climbing over them. The Security staff felt, sick, to say the least. There was some teen who felt sorry, wanting to open the doors, save more people. She pulled away from one guard, hand on the lock ready to turn when she was pulled away.

In Spain hundreds had flood a docked cruise ship, pulling away with people hanging off the side and still trying to climb aboard as the beings were approaching. They were taking pool schemers, using them to hit and pry others off the ship.

Canada people fled by car, atv, even foot to the rural area. Russia, England, China, all of those famous to mess with places were in chaos as many

Some blocks from the crash site confused what was happening, hearing reports several girls working at a fast food joint was busy trying to lock the door, thinking it was some zombie plague. Many people were crashing against the Plexiglas screaming to let in, one man who was bloodied pressed against the window screamed "Energy Zombies"!

The small group stayed away from the windows as the "Energy Zombies" over took the crowd, many trying to force their way into the place but seemly cannot break through. Making the group a bit less tense. A loud breaking sound though brought their attention to the back, those beings manage to pry the drive thru open, crawling over each other while falling about. The group tried grab anything to fight them off, mops, trays and tables were used but nothing had any effects.

The manager look down, seeing her black pants legs splitting, her legs were enlarging while her feet became digitade. Her shirt was growing tighter, gritting her teeth feeling them slowly shifting forward. She felt her breasts expand so much the bra broke, stretching the shirt to its limits. She gone from a modest A cup to E cup in a few seconds.

One of the workers near the shake machine was trying to kick away the light zombie, the shake machine broke open spilling cold mix onto her, the being reach up under her shirt to press its hand against her stomach before vanishing. Her body twist, falling on her front her own body tingled in various parts. Looking over her shoulder to her horror a lump was pushing the thong she wore out, becoming so stretched it snapped while the lump had stretched into a tail. Her breasts shrunk, the bra becoming loose as her C cups went down to an A. The worker could feel horns erupt from her forehead, curling towards the back and curling behind her now transformed ears.

The Manager tried to stand her tail broke her pants, making her hang on to them. Her fingernails had fallen off, in their place small cone like stubs grew from the tips. Some kind of felt like fuzz appeared over the skin, it was blue like the thing that touched her. The face was being pushed forward, ears pulling out than becoming pointed and slightly funneled. Looking around pissed scared, something was not right. Everyone else in the place was trying to keep their distance from both the transformed and those, things. They all just stared at each other.

The manager looked over towards the worker who was covered in shake mix. In another situation it would had made her laugh, as the girl looked like gone through a cumbath. Another situation she would had been mad for wasting company resources. Now looking at what the worker became, whatever they were, all she could feel was fear.

The Worker was freezing while covering her chest knowing her nipples might be poking through despite her bra just hanging on her. Looking around, the beings were still in with them trying to break out as a few patrons were undergoing transformation or maneuvering around to a corner.

"Somebody got a towel?"

Everyone, except the beings, was focused on the worker surprised.

"It's really cold." She snapped, glaring at everyone. This action caused everyone to leap behind some over turn tables​