Why do people always assume a person is gay if they talk a certain way?

[Filter]

Thus, by re-using the term over and over - the word "bully" can take on a whole new meaning (than what it's supposed to mean) and can possibly be used as a label with those we simply disagree with, even though no actual "bullying" is taking place seeing that there's no real power imbalances between them.

People who harass others who just want to be left alone are bullies as far as I'm concerned. It doesn't necessarily require a power imbalance to happen, considering the fact that bullies often attempt to "bring down" their target. They perceive a difference, feel somehow threatened by it, and attack. Maybe in an attempt to create a power imbalance.

What's going on in a bully's mind might be something like: "How dare they walk around with a lisp, look different, overweight, underweight, too tall, too short, too slow, too bright, different race, different religion, different orientation etc. The audacity! They deserve to be taken down a rung or two."

Harassment and bullying go hand in hand as far as I'm concerned. Or at least in the way that I typically use the term. Hopefully, this helps clarify things. Where I think bullying is too weak a term is when assault is involved.

People with opposing viewpoints aren't inherently bullies. I wouldn't want to use the term that way. It's possible to recognize differences without harassing, attacking, or otherwise belittling others. In fact, I'd say that most people are pretty chill and focused on living their own lives. Bullying is an antagonistic act that requires effort and perhaps an underlying antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes, it may simply be a matter of ignorance, but merely ignorant people can be reasoned with. Like you said, some are simply misinformed. Or maybe they don't realize that their words or actions are hurting others. Reasonable individuals deserve a chance to learn, reconsider, and hopefully correct their bad behavior.

 

[BooTheHamster]

People who harass others who just want to be left alone are bullies as far as I'm concerned. It doesn't necessarily require a power imbalance to happen, considering the fact that bullies often attempt to "bring down" their target. They perceive a difference, feel somehow threatened by it, and attack. Maybe in an attempt to create a power imbalance.

What's going on in a bully's mind might be something like: "How dare they walk around with a lisp, look different, overweight, underweight, too tall, too short, too slow, too bright, different race, different religion, different orientation etc. The audacity! They deserve to be taken down a rung or two."

Harassment and bullying go hand in hand as far as I'm concerned. Or at least in the way that I typically use the term. Hopefully, this helps clarify things. Where I think bullying is too weak a term is when assault is involved.

People with opposing viewpoints aren't inherently bullies. I wouldn't want to use the term that way. It's possible to recognize differences without harassing, attacking, or otherwise belittling others. In fact, I'd say that most people are pretty chill and focused on living their own lives. Bullying is an antagonistic act that requires effort and perhaps an underlying antisocial personality disorder. Sometimes, it may simply be a matter of ignorance, but merely ignorant people can be reasoned with. Like you said, some are simply misinformed. Or maybe they don't realize that their words or actions are hurting others. Reasonable individuals deserve a chance to learn, reconsider, and hopefully correct their bad behavior.

There might be some degree of "differences threaten me" especially given how a lot of bullying behavior centers/seems to center around warped attempts to enforce conformity (this is especially prevalent in schools) but I'm more inclined to think that a lot of bullies do what they do because they 1. want to turn scrutiny away from their own perceived foibles/quirks/insecurities and onto someone else's and/or 2. just feel they can get away with it (either due to absence of scrutiny or perceived approval from peers and superiors)

I'm pretty sure there's a subset of bully types who are just so hideously misanthropic and antisocial that valuation as "good/bad, right/wrong, ingroup/outgroup" etc. doesn't even occur to them, they just view other people as a kind of potential prey. In these cases the point of attack the bully uses isn't some kind of insecurity of theirs or a matter of conformity/nonconformity, it's just what they think will cause the target distress.

 

[Deleted member 162282]

Jealousy?

 

[quoting_mungo]

I'm pretty sure there's a subset of bully types who are just so hideously misanthropic and antisocial that valuation as "good/bad, right/wrong, ingroup/outgroup" etc. doesn't even occur to them, they just view other people as a kind of potential prey. In these cases the point of attack the bully uses isn't some kind of insecurity of theirs or a matter of conformity/nonconformity, it's just what they think will cause the target distress.

I honestly think that's most IRL bullies. If they think someone would make a good target, they'll find something to pick on them for. (Being "small" and/or unathletic might put one at higher risk for e.g. schoolyard bullying, but that's because "smaller and/or weaker than the bully" is one factor bullies would look at when deciding who might be a good target, not because size or athleticism are inherently things to target someone over.)

Online bullying that isn't just an extension of IRL bullying may see a bit more targeting because of an odd behavior or whatever, but that's still in part a "who would make a good target?" concern. What makes someone a good target in cyberspace is simply a bit different (because it doesn't matter if you could pick up the bully and dispose of him in a trash bin when he's sitting behind a keyboard miles and miles and miles away) - if a would-be bully can tie you to a quality that makes you an "acceptable target" they can go to town with very little pushback.

In both cases, the threshold for "good target" gets higher the more friends you have that the bully believes will stand up for you.

Which doesn't mean people don't get targeted by bullies for differences IRL.
It also doesn't mean that people online don't decide on a target and then dig dirt on them.

I just believe that the numbers skew depending on environment. Because if there's one thing bullies seem to favor, it's the path of least resistance. "How do I most easily get my antisocial jollies with minimum pushback?"

 

[Connor J. Coyote]

Harassment and bullying go hand in hand as far as I'm concerned. Or at least in the way that I typically use the term. Hopefully, this helps clarify things. Where I think bullying is too weak a term is when assault is involved.

Well..... whatever the term may mean to you (and others on here) is certainly their (and your) prerogative, Miss....... mind you - I'm not attempting to "begrudge" anyone on here (with my postings above) whenever a particular user may feel that a specific term is applicable to a particular situation; no matter how incorrect it may be, or how misguided the usage of a particular term might be in my opinion.

So hey....... whatever floats their boat.

And on one on here (as far as I can tell) debates the possible mis-understandings and mis-usages of these certain terms; simply because they don't know any better due to their vocabulary usage being incorrect, or can't come up with anything else in the scheme of things to address differing opinions, different outlooks, and even inter-personal disagreements.

My point is: over-usage of a term can (over time) "water down" and re-define what a term actually means with people; and in essence - it becomes something else than what it's actually supposed to mean.

People with opposing viewpoints aren't inherently bullies.

You're right.... they aren't. ☺

But there's *a big difference* though, (which is the essence of my points above) in: describing something that's actually occuring amongst a person or person(s) (i.e: bullying and harassment) versus simply "over using" a term (sometimes too frequently) that has very negative connotations against someone that we may diagree with or have personal differences with as a form of a "character slur"..... simply because it's a convenient label to throw at someone else (that has a marked recognition with others once used) that in turn packs "quite a punch" (as they say) within the realms of chatter, talk, and accusations about others.

But again, taking the incorrect vocabulary usage aside: I'm of the belief and disposition that they can certainly do them....... and others like me, can certainly do me also (when we decide to use certain terms). ☺

 

[Connor J. Coyote]

Well..... whatever the term may mean to you (and others on here) is certainly their (and your) prerogative, Miss....... mind you - I'm not attempting to "begrudge" anyone on here (with my postings above) whenever a particular user may feel that a specific term is applicable to a particular situation; no matter how incorrect it may be, or how misguided the usage of a particular term might be in my opinion.

So hey....... whatever floats their boat.

And on one on here (as far as I can tell) debates the possible mis-understandings and mis-usages of these certain terms; simply because they don't know any better due to their vocabulary usage being incorrect, or can't come up with anything else in the scheme of things to address differing opinions, different outlooks, and even inter-personal disagreements.

My point is: over-usage of a term can (over time) "water down" and re-define what a term actually means with people; and in essence - it becomes something else than what it's actually supposed to mean.

You're right.... they aren't. ☺

But there's *a big difference* though, (which is the essence of my points above) in: describing something that's actually occuring amongst a person or person(s) (i.e: bullying and harassment) versus simply "over using" a term (sometimes too frequently) that has very negative connotations against someone that we may diagree with or have personal differences with as a form of a "character slur"..... simply because it's a convenient label to throw at someone else (that has a marked recognition with others once used) that in turn packs "quite a punch" (as they say) within the realms of chatter, talk, and accusations about others.

But again, taking the incorrect vocabulary usage aside: I'm of the belief and disposition that they can certainly do them....... and others like me, can certainly do me also (when we decide to use certain terms). ☺

(Come to think of it) I'll add this also if I may: it's not just a question of mere semantics in my mind..... as vocabulary "mis-usage" and "over-usage" conducted by certain members of a particular community is one thing; and no matter how misguided it is - it's certainly their prerogative to do so (as I said above)...... but sometimes - other members within public spaces (such as this) are free to point out these mis-usages also - if they feel they're inaccurate or inappropriate..... if for anything "enlightening" the other side if possible, and making it clearly known that there's others within a particular group that doesn't necessarily agree with these instances of "over-usage".

And if such dialogues go nowhere amongst peers then so be it...... that said though, others out there that may disagree with any mis-usage (or over-usage) of certain terms are fully free to point out their disapproval also at any time (within community rules)...... just as much as others are free to mis-use their vocabulary.

And so, it's often times necessary to just "agree to disagree" at times and leave things at that..... and I think just about anyone can understand that. "Agreeing to disagree" however doesn't mean that one needs to accept this mis-usage either, and say nothing if they feel it's incorrect.
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But when it comes to particular mis-usages of terms that's based on stereotypes which can occur within other members of one's close knit circle (like family members), that may exist for people like the OP - then it's certainly warranted (and even advised) to try and broaden the scope of their belief systems and vocabulary usage for everyone's benefit, if possible.

And so my advice for the OP is something that I would try if I was in their shoes...... doing so in a smart and safe way of course.

 

[Schrodinger'sMeerkat]

And after you reminded her, what was her response? Did she shrug it off?

Or did she revise her thinking after you told her this and say something different?

You didn't say...... but if it's the latter then that means she's probably open minded enough to hear other points of view, and that's a good thing....... and as her child - it's probably incumbent upon you to let her know about these things and to educate her about it..... if you find that her statements are uncomfortable for you, or even bigoted towards others at times.

And if other member's of your family are the same way (and say the same things)....... then the same principle probably applies.

And if you interjected (with her or with them) when they make these comments - and say to them what you said to us here: that it's not necessarily an indication of one's sexuality with how they talk, and could even be considered disciminatory which could lead to someone else being harassed unnecessarily - then...... at that point they may change their ways upon hearing this; (if for anything for your benefit..... seeing that you're their relative and that it bothers you).

Well, not everyone is; and not everyone thinks this way about that type of speech...... (like you're relatives and neighbors apparently do)........ but it isn't just conservative communities that think this way either, honestly.

I live in San Francisco (for example) and I can tell you that: even in places like where I live...... (which most people regard as a very politically liberal place) - stereotypes, anti-gay biases, and even anti-gay violence still occurs.

And so, being in a so-called "gay mecca" can still present the same problems as being in a community like yours. And so, it's incumbent upon us (as relatives) when we hear our family members do this to educate them, but also as a community - to not tolerate it when discrimination and crimes are commited either.

No, because my mom is one of those people who believes that whatever she says is right and trying to convince her of the facts just results in a fight...even if she is wrong.

 

[Sodasats20]

I don’t know if this is on topic, but I was having a conversation with my friend who knows I have a gf but is also bisexual, and we were talking about that stuff and they told me “honestly, you LOOK gay” and I’m like “how?” They’re like “i mean you also act gay, you got that fit body but not too fit.” Im like “hmmm”

 

[Dreamy]

This topic got serious really fast, I do understand there is *a lot* of frustration behind issues of this kind tho. I often find myself having to talk 'less softly and mellow' all the time just to keep my impression more forgettable, especially around friends that I am not so close with, and tbh, basically around everyone I know irl. There is a constant worry of me appearing too outwardly effeminate as otherwise I will be easily associated with being gay (which I actually am, and yep, not hard to guess since I never talk about girls in male friend groups), which I fear, only because my environment is still very much conservative, and staying closeted is a way of me protecting myself. Phew...how things can get very frustrating.

 

[Filter]

Well..... whatever the term may mean to you (and others on here) is certainly their (and your) prerogative, Miss....... mind you - I'm not attempting to "begrudge" anyone on here (with my postings above) whenever a particular user may feel that a specific term is applicable to a particular situation; no matter how incorrect it may be, or how misguided the usage of a particular term might be in my opinion.

So hey....... whatever floats their boat.

And on one on here (as far as I can tell) debates the possible mis-understandings and mis-usages of these certain terms; simply because they don't know any better due to their vocabulary usage being incorrect, or can't come up with anything else in the scheme of things to address differing opinions, different outlooks, and even inter-personal disagreements.

My point is: over-usage of a term can (over time) "water down" and re-define what a term actually means with people; and in essence - it becomes something else than what it's actually supposed to mean.

You're right.... they aren't. ☺

But there's *a big difference* though, (which is the essence of my points above) in: describing something that's actually occuring amongst a person or person(s) (i.e: bullying and harassment) versus simply "over using" a term (sometimes too frequently) that has very negative connotations against someone that we may diagree with or have personal differences with as a form of a "character slur"..... simply because it's a convenient label to throw at someone else (that has a marked recognition with others once used) that in turn packs "quite a punch" (as they say) within the realms of chatter, talk, and accusations about others.

But again, taking the incorrect vocabulary usage aside: I'm of the belief and disposition that they can certainly do them....... and others like me, can certainly do me also (when we decide to use certain terms). ☺

I think I get what you're saying now. Calling somebody a bully can certainly be perceived as a "character slur" and we should be careful about how it's used.

Just because there's a misunderstanding doesn't mean there's ill-intent. Something like this should be pretty neutral. Making such an assumption isn't shouldn't imply dislike or anything negative. It's when somebody clearly communicates negativity with it that there's more of a problem.

 

[Connor J. Coyote]

No, because my mom is one of those people who believes that whatever she says is right and trying to convince her of the facts just results in a fight...even if she is wrong.

Well, if that's the case then perhaps the other postings above were correct afterall and you should just avoid discussing it with them then.... if for anything your own safety and well being...... seeing that you're still living under their roof (I'm assuming).

It'll be up to you in how you learn to live with this (in any way you can) whilst you're still there.

But, if there are other potentially open minded people in your life in some places (where it may be safe to discuss this issue with them) who may think and say these same things in the same way, then trying what I suggested above may be something to think about perhaps - if it can make your experiences with them less troubling.

(I'm assuming you know these other people really well) and so - only you yourself can probably gauge who's safe to approach in your community and who isn't about this - and it'll be up to you in how you handle it, if at all.
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* As a side not though, once someone eventually gains the personal and financial independence to support themselves (out there in the World) and in turn can "move out" and "move on" eventually, then..... negative opinions and beliefs (such as what Schrodinger describes) won't affect them as much.

Seeing that if it's really an unbearable environment that one is in (politically, personally, and socially) then - finding one's "ticket out" (both figuratively and literally) is probably the key.