Words you never said

[Sarcastic Coffeecup]

I think we all have those.
We've wanted to say things, but for one reason or another, we didn't.
Getting things off of our chests can be a way of letting go of the burning rope that is regret, but what we hold on to.
Or it might calm you down having finally told your roommate to essentially fuck off. Perhaps you just want to thank someone, but missed the chance.
Whatever it is, this is the place to say those words.


I wrote the following down a few weeks ago at the height of muh feels, but never got to saying this ultra-cheesy spiel. Cheesy or not, this is exactly how I felt at the time. For anonymity's sake I'll leave the name out.
"S.

I never knew I could feel how I felt with you around.
I think I now have a pretty good idea of what love feels like.
From the first time you spoke to me, to the time you slept against my shoulder on the bus to the last hug, I felt complete. You complete me.
You are perfect exactly the way you are, and I hated having to let you go.
You showed me life unlike I'd ever experienced before and I'd sell my soul to have you with me for just one more day.
I can't stop thinking about you, and having to part ways was the hardest thing I've yet had to do, because I want to spend more of my life with you.
You're the one.
I think that if God was a perfectionist, you'd be his masterpiece, and he'd be so proud of you.

S, I love you."


Here's what motivated me to make this thread, and to say things to people before it's too late. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOsOynOl8cE

 

[Torrijos-sama]

"If i'd have known you'd get into hard things, I would have tazed you in the balls/cunt every time you did a soft drug like pot."
Too many people I know have gone down the wrong path. It killed two. A heroin overdose and an aneurysm from ecstasy.
Then a few friends worked themselves into a corner. Some killed themselves, while others just pissed away/are pissing away their youth.

 

[Kinharia]

"I love you"

Now I can never say those words to them.

 

[Torrijos-sama]

"I love you"

Now I can never say those words to them.

If only such things were easier to say when you could have.

 

[Schwimmwagen]

The worst thing is saying something you wish you didn't.

 

[Cyanomega]

"Please don't go. I think this is a really bad idea."
the one time in my life I shouldn't have been supportive of someone. It's been 4 years and no one, not even his family, have heard anything from him. I hope he's ok but I know in my heart he's not.
How can you shoot down the dreams of your best friend?

 

[Ieono]

I hate you for killing yourself, and blaming me for it. I hate you so much for the hell you put me through. For years I blamed myself, and that's exactly what you wanted. I wish that I'd never met you, because you caused my very own "dark ages". You took away so many years of happiness that I could have had, all because of your selfishness. Perhaps someday I will forgive you, but I will carry this feeling in my heart a bit longer. I need this feeling for now, because if I began to love you again now....I'd probably join you....

 

[Mikazuki Marazhu]

I want to be the only gay guy in the world!

I SHOULD BE THE ONLY GAY MAN IN THE WORLD! NOBODY DESERVES IT BETTER THAN ME! WHY GOD WHY!

 

[Shadow Jaeger]

Your opinions are fucking stupid and don't make sense

Iv wanted to say that to so many people but I'm just a bit too polite to say that even when really angry

 

[JynxLynx]

"I'm sorry."

 

[LazerMaster5]

I want to be the only gay guy in the world!

I SHOULD BE THE ONLY GAY MAN IN THE WORLD! NOBODY DESERVES IT BETTER THAN ME! WHY GOD WHY!

Wait, how is this a problem? I do not understand.

 

[Kazma]

this is a little more than just words to me ... but i have never and will never say that to the one who it's for ... ( i could make a thread in rant and raves but i don't think it deserve it ... )

"
I want to say that you're my nightmare ...
since ever , when people look at me they only see you ...
i feel like a pale copy of you ... i know what you've done in your life , i found it kind of miserable ... i know that's you may not have choice but you're not excused for every thing ...
I hate the way you speak to me ... i hate the way you see yourself in myself ...
i hate the way I' ve seen YOU in myself ...
Please stop to compare me at you ...
stop trying to rule every things in my life ...
i'm just waiting the day i will leave you behind , only turning back for some rare occasion.


You CAN'T imagine how it is to be another one than you want to be ...
whatever i make , people always refer me to you ,
the first thing people's say after I haven't seen them for a long time is " Oh You just EXACTLY look like your father ! "
being like you and have such a such boring life is haunting me ...
i wish to be myself instead of being just a reflexion of your youth ...
i know that i probably repeat myself but i feel like i don't have indentity with the people i know ...
it's like a simple clone which have to do what people expect him to do : be like his father ...


It's kind of an Oedipus complex ....
this fatality which tend to make me become like you even if i fight this destiny ...
"





that's it for what i have to say ...

 

[LegitWaterfall]

"Why'd you invite me? You don't fucking care about me at all, I'm an embarrassment to you. You're wasting your time and mine. Your mom made you invite me, didn't she?"

I believe this is what I held back when a "friend" invited me to her birthday a few times.

 

[Rassah]

I am sorry that I was so shocked and terrified when you laid next to me, laying there motionless and awake all night, and that I never turned towards you and held you close against me instead.

 

[Soul-Wolf]

A few years back I had a friend who wanted me to be something more. I couldn't ever give him what he truly wanted, and instead of just being open about that and letting our friendship blossom in all the other ways it would have anyway during our times together, I danced around questions, gave mixed signals, anything I could just to keep his company and affection because I grew addicted to that very fast. He pretty much swooped in to catch me as I fell off an emotional and mental cliff during a pretty dark time for me. And I mean intentionally, he saw how bad I was hurting and fell sorry for me and practically begged me to talk to him. Even that took a few tries. Even then when I needed someone the most I was pushing people away, that's how far gone I was. This one guy alone made me feel like a loved, cherished, worthy person again, over night. It actually saved my relationship with an entire group of friends.

The problem with me back then was once I'd get to stable place again, it's like I would retain the lessons learned from whatever happened for maybe a week and then I'd be back to my old bullshit. I think even before the "incident", that was starting to strain our friendship, but if it wasn't that it was definitely the way I became way too dependent on him. I'm ashamed and disgusted at myself for ever coming to believe I was ever entitled to as much as the time of day from him. At the time, I probably rationalized my attitude and growing coldness towards him by thinking of it as a kind of asshole tax for "indulging" him so often. As if that was ever the point of why we were friends. There was also this stupid need I had to "test" the strength of a friendship if I thought it was weakening. If I thought it was weakening it was because he just wasn't as enthusiastic as he used to be. I probably had nothing to do with that, other than being a cunt, so either way there's no excuse.

Somehow, even that didn't kill it. What killed it was the "incident" I refer to where he put moves on me in the wrong place, at the wrong time, while I was in the wrong state of mind, and spent the next day or so after that not communicating with him at all unless it was to make snide, cryptic comments. Somewhat related to my need to test friendships was an impulse to "teach them a lesson" and that was one way I did it. I wish I'd seen the parallels with suicide in that kind of thinking and result. I became dead to him. But even that could have been avoided.

Once he interpreted my "lesson" as a cold-hearted dumping, amazingly he still wanted to be friends. If I hadn't been so fucking blinded by paranoia and other disordered thinking I would have just accepted that if I was going to be an asshole and expect him to stay friends it would have to be on his terms. And I thought his terms meant he was keeping me at arms length, for good. None of it seemed to make any sense to me. Why insist on going back to square one, not even Skyping and keeping PMs to a minimum? That's not really friendship, is it? Maybe it was to teach me a lesson in return, which would have been some nice poetic justice. Or I could have just taken him at his word when he said he just needed time. The emphasis was always on time, not distance. Not until I continued to push and eventually say more things I didn't mean and run him off for good.

In one of our last PMs before our falling out, he reassured me that he cared about me, that I was a good person, that he would always be my friend, always love me, and always cherish all our good times together. He said I was the first guy he ever seriously fell for and the reason he's openly gay. He gave me a Dolly Parton video at the end. I probably assumed the only true parts were the goodbyes and the rest was gentle rejection. Not realizing you simply don't make statements that powerful in an "it's not you, it's me" speech. In his mind I was like his first breakup. God, I remember taking my first break up real well, don't you?

What followed was me wallowing in self-pity and lashing out in anger for I lost track of how long. It really is a fucking miracle I had any friends left after all that since we were all more or less in one big clique at the time. I think what finally got me to start to come out of it was when I realized even I wouldn't put up with me forever. In the end I became a much better person. I just wish I had swallowed my pride and taken what was offered to me in forgiveness. Because that's what it was. I wasted a lot of time begging for forgiveness because I wouldn't accept it the first time.

And now, I'm not forgiven, just forgotten. Almost exact words.

 

[Sarcastic Coffeecup]

"I'm sorry."

Now this, this intriques me.
Context?

 

[JynxLynx]

Now this, this intriques me.
Context?

I was head over heels in love with this guy. We dated for seven months before he decided to end the relationship because he liked someone else. Being the clingy bitch I am I said a lot of horrible things I shouldn't have. When I thought about it the next day, I just started avoiding him completely out of shame. When I finally decided to check up on him maybe three months later, my mother told me he had died in a car accident.

 

[Sarcastic Coffeecup]

I was head over heels in love with this guy. We dated for seven months before he decided to end the relationship because he liked someone else. Being the clingy bitch I am I said a lot of horrible things I shouldn't have. When I thought about it the next day, I just started avoiding him completely out of shame. When I finally decided to check up on him maybe three months later, my mother told me he had died in a car accident.

That's heavy. Sorry to hear that

 

[Jaden Darchon]

Yikes.. Words I wish I said. Well..

Keeping it high level and vague to Protect The Innocent (TM); met one of the most awesome people of my life EVAR some time ago. We were great friends and after a while took the plunge to try to make it work on a romantic level. Problem is I overlooked incompatibility issues; I'm sensitive, he's often passive-aggressive. I'm generally an idiot when it comes to flirting and crap like that, but he is totally in tune with that. The list goes on... and it's not because either of us was "bad" but rather on different wavelengths. As friends, it was cool because I didn't care about the any misinterpretation or jabs. Taking it to romance... the same jabs/remarks flying in the face of "I love you"... um, yeah that kinda sucks. Obvious incompatibility issues arose and I said I wanted to tone it down and give it time as "friends", but that I'd stay committed because I still believed it could work if we just hung out more. I really believed in that too! That was interpreted as "it's fucked" and later I got a handful of the usual veiled/passive aggressive personal insults out of feeling hurt. I forgive because I still love the guy on some level and I know those words were driven by pain, not evil, but I can't be a modern-art-destined canvass to throw random paint at on a whim. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Basically, I was subject to passive aggressive and insecure behavior for months, but stayed mum about it because I didn't want to hurt him. I wish I'd truthfully said that it's time to grow up and at work on dropping that stuff, because that's not how you keep anyone positive in your life. Then I could've determined pretty early on that it wouldn't work at that level and maybe stuff would get better over time to a point where it could. I'd probably be a lot happier right now too. I didn't want to lose him entirely from my life like this, but I've just gotta accept the present. I hope he clears up internally and finds someone positive to be with in the future, but that's out of my hands. I know he's in pain, but I can't help.. for someone who's always wanting to make people happy it's frickin' destroying me.

I don't know - sometimes I look back and think I could've done more.. It holds me back from ever giving my heart to anyone for fear of things ending up like this, but I've certainly learned from the experience..

 

[jtrekkie]

I hurt you and I'm sorry. It was not my intention to cause you to suffer, it was too much for me to bear and I had to share it with someone. It was wrong.

Thank you. I have burdened you and I know just how much, but you kept us anyway. You never had to, you were never obligated. But you did anyway. I can't repay you for that.

I don't think you can understand what you took from me, or what pain you have caused me. But I only want you to know that you are forgiven.

 

[Mr. Sparta]

"Mom, I've been lying to you. I've been hiding things. The truth is..."

 

[Zop]

"Jack and Jill by Adam Sandler is a cinematic masterpiece."

"I am voting for Donald Trump."

"Windows Vista is the best Windows."

 

[CrazyTundraWolf]

" Nan , don't go down the steps yet I'm still holding onto your electric bike"
-What I wish 4 year old me said , pre-falling down a set of stone steps which actually caused a dent in my skull ( no real damage though)

 

[Ruggy]

"I'm sorry I ended it when I did, and for not doing it sooner. I strung you along without realizing it and I'm sorry I hurt you."

So I suppose it's karma that my next would be this:

"Where did you go? What did I do wrong? Was I really not worth a goodbye?"

 

[Senpai-Fish]

Recently, my old high school Latin/Italian teacher, we'll call him Mr. C, died. He was one of those rare human beings that was the epitome of humility, kindness, and charity; he loved to joke with his students, he preached nothing but love, joy, and acceptance to everyone, and whenever someone needed help, he was the first person there to help with no desire for a reward. Everyone was special in his eyes, and he was the best kind of teacher to anyone who needed him.
This man drove to my house after school to check on my family when he found out my dad had a stroke during back surgery, and made it a point to talk with my sister and I every day until he recovered to help keep us going through the day. He noticed that my grades had started dropping next school year and that I had stopped caring about my two passions in life- reading and art- and sat me down during lunch one day to talk about what was wrong. If it hadn't been for him doing this, and in general being supportive throughout the years, I have no doubt that I would've attempted suicide.

I haven't seen him since I graduated high school, five years ago. Recently, while browsing Facebook, an old classmate had linked his obituary. It crushed everyone, and my sis and I attended his wake since the actual burial was for family only. So many people had stopped by to pay their respects, so many lives that he'd touched.

I had my chance to say goodbye, that day when I graduated. I just never had a chance to thank him for both saving my life, and being there for my family when no one else was.